I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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