why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
