there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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