Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
