Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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