this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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