As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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