god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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