Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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