My hand turned me down
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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