when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
