She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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