How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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