just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
