"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
