There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
