i'm signing you up for texting rehab
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
