Whod you bang
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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