I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
