I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
