My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
is wine microwaveable?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
