He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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