My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
