dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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