I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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