What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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