So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
