In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
