I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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