The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
