I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
