Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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