i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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