I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She made me pour olive oil on her.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
