Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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