He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
