What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
