He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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