I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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