Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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