Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
