im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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