don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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