my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What changed your mind?
Being sober
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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