dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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