I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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