the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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