Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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