I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
