She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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