I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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