"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
