Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
