You smell like stripper and shame
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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